How not to Embarrass Yourself Over Lunch/Dinner (Causal dining etiquette)

Eating out is a common activity amongst friends, family and business associates. I have heard stories of dates gone wrong or business deals falling through because of poor dining etiquettes. While people expect them to be common sense, some of these are in fact not commonly practised. Whether you are new to Canada and not familiar with Canadian dining etiquettes or you attend a lot of dinner events and eat out a lot, there's always room for improvement on dining etiquette. Being a foodie myself and attending lots of family, social and networking dinners here are my five tips on how not to embarrass yourself over dinner based on personal experiences and publication from experts. (For proper business dining etiquette, please refer to an expert's blog such as Etiquette Page.)

1-   Dress properly and arrive on time!
Imagine how awkward it would be if you wore a suit to a toga party or maybe the other way around! One of the most effective way to save face is to spend that time to look up the dress code ahead of time so you will not look as awkward.  If you wish to stand out, do so in a good way! Go and be original in an appropriate fashion, get a funky tie for that casual Christmas banquet or maybe that new pair of shoes you haven't worn for a while, don't come in the wrong attire!

Many young people cannot comprehend certain dress codes (eg. business casual, semi-formal and formal) and end up overdressing or under dressing to certain events. Go and Google up pictures for inspiration. If you are attending an event or activity for your first time and do not know what to wear, look at photos of past similar events. I remember my first time attending an introductory salsa dance class on Meetup and not sure what to wear. I googled up the dance studio's page and looked at the photo album of past introductory salsa classes to see what people wore. Google is a great resource to know what to wear and a short 2 minute search can save yourself from embarrassment.

Being punctual is another important step in not embarrassing yourself, imagine yourself going on a date, would you want to be late for that important date? Of course not! While you are not on a date, when you sign up for a meetup event you are in fact making an appointment with everyone. If you come late, you may be causing a hold up for everyone else who are there already. I remember attending a salsa dance session where there were more guys than girls; the dance instructor introduced a game where if a lady arrives late everyone would cheer. (You can imagine what kind of sound everyone makes when a guy comes in.) While you will certainly be remembered by everyone, there are better ways to be remembered without making everyone see you as a hindrance.

2-   Respect all common courtesy, know your dining etiquette and greet everyone at your table
It is important to respect all cultural and social etiquette at every event, the worst thing you would want to do is to commit a faux pas that offends somebody. If you are being invited to a house party, best to bring a bottle of wine or box of chocolate as gesture. Try to educate yourself on dining etiquettes because the last thing you would want to do at a formal dinner banquet is to make a lot of noise slurping your soup and having every set of eyes in the restaurant looking at you. Most of these dining etiquette tips can be found on youtube or from blogs like etiquette coach Margaret Page's, go and look it up!

It is common courtesy to acknowledge everyone at your table before digging in. Be sure to greet everyone at your table, this would be easy if you are early, you just greet them as they come to your table. If you are one of the lasts ones to arrive, introduce yourself to the whole table and remember to smile. If there is a lively conversation going on and nobody greeted you, take the initiative to introduce yourself firstly to the people to your immediate left and right and introduce yourself to others as they shift their attention to you. I once attended a networking dinner where an executive arrived and introduced himself the people immediate to the left and right of his seat and WALKED clockwise around the table greeting each person at his/her seat before sitting down at the table. That definitely got the attention of everyone and made everyone feel valued.

3-   Turn off your cellphone
If you're going to any event, TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE or PUT ON VIBRATE if you're expecting an important call or you are the primary contact at an outing event (and please sit near the door). If you have to answer a call quietly leave the room; apologize if you have to and don't stir up a commotion like the 'bus uncle'. It is also very rude to whip out your cell phone to check the latest tweet or Facebook update while someone at your table is hoping to start a conversation with you. Yes, I know you want to keep up to date with Kim's latest gossip news or Ian's latest tweet, but those can wait; save those texting for the bus ride home. You're coming out here to meet people and have a fun time, not to tweet all day long. Many people went to a great meetup event and had a bad experience because they  bury themselves into their cell and smartphones preventing other people from interacting with them. Other people would like to interact with you but because they see you on the phone, they are courteous to not disturb you. DO yourself a favour, do others a favour- turn off your cell phone!

4-   Participate in conversations
Of the many dinners I attend (family, networking, social dinner) people will usually start off a table conversation about a current event or a topic common to everyone at the table. Go and keep yourself up to date, prepare yourself for conversation by reading up on newspaper. Google news is a good resource as it provides you the news you're looking for and how recent it was presented.

Knowing your audience well is a good thing as well, from previous meetings you should be able to gauge what people tend to talk about and prepare yourself between events. Don't be a lone nut and keep everything to yourself, you're here to socialize and make friends! Get yourself into the mindset of meeting people.

Sometimes the fluidity of the conversation moves toward a topic you're not familiar with and you may end up being silent at the corner of the table. If that happens, feel free to ask for elaboration or explanation on certain topics but don't over do it, or else it becomes annoying. Don't hijack the conversation, let the conversation flow where it wants to flow. If you try to hijack it, others would think you're forceful and rude or likes to 'change the topic'. If all else fails, see if the person next to you is as lost as you are and start a new conversation on a new topic.

5-   Tip adequately, ask for split bills and thank the restaurant
If you had a good service, please tip the hosts and staffs generously and thank them for their service on the way out. Most of the staffs are minimum wage staffs and have little to get by the day. Etiquette coach Margaret Page says restaurant tip should be 15-20% and should only apply to the price before taxes, if you are paying by debit machine you may unconsciously tip the tax portion of your bill as well. If the service was unpleasant, do not just forgo tipping to "send them a message"; most of these servers are busy with multiple tables and may not know what they have done wrong; ask to speak with the management instead.

When eating out, do inform the server that you want split bills as soon as you can and remind them before asking for the bill. I had good eat out dinners ruined because the server put everyone on the same bill and their computer system was unable to split the bills and some people brought only credit cards or large bills.  Splitting the bill will save everyone from headaches.

And of course thank the servers, sometimes a simple "Thank you" can brighten up a server's busy and mundane day. You may be remembered and receive better service next time you come back.

Try to put these tips to practice next time you go out to eat. It may take time to grow out of a couple bad habits but awareness is the first step and practice is the next step to overcome existing bad dining habits. May your next dinner be as enjoyable as it can be. Bon appetit!

*Etiquette research is drawn from the blog site of Etiquette Coach, Margaret Page at http://etiquettepage.com/*

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For the earlier part of his life, Edward has been sitting at the sidelines of life observing his more charismatic peers basking in the spotlight. Ever since his 'great encounter' and the discovery of his 'Anchor', Edward has found strength and a new direction to overcome his fears of interacting with people in a social setting and establishing that with true wisdom and sufficient perseverance "change is possible" . Edward is an event organizer for the meetup group Extremely Shy, the most active meetup group in Vancouver with 10 events happening every week and 2500 active members. He organizes monthly mingler events with guest lists of over 80 people and introduces the 2500 members to different exciting activities and local restaurants around Vancouver building community and relationship. Got a question on meeting people and or social etiquette, ask Edward at ed.extremelyshy@gmail.com!

One extra degree

You may think one degree of heat is insignificant, think again.
Water bubbles at 99 degrees Celsius, but add that extra degree it boils and becomes steam. With steam you can power trains and that makes all the difference! That little bit of extra effort may seem insignificant at first but it may be that last push that will bring you over your obstacles. Small effort when multiplied over a period of time can become a powerful force. Here's an inspiring video of it

Reflecting upon the past year, I dedicated 2 hours a week attending my community Toastmasters club every Tuesday. I felt a little out of place at first, being extremely shy and introverted in a room full of experienced speakers, in my head I was counting the other options I passed by from 2 more hours studying or 2 more hours on Facebook or Youtube or even go out with friends to Tuesday night 1/2 price movies. But surely as the months went by I started seeing results in the way I communicate and my confidence in my inter-personal abilities. That perseverance paid off in dividends of personal change and private victories. I eventually joined a second Toastmasters club up at SFU every Wednesday to double my growth, the momentum and synergy has made all the difference. Quite surely, should I stayed with my old habit/lifestyle of watching TV or going on youtube/facebook, I would not have experienced the change that took place in the last 12 months, I would only be able to list out refer timekillers videos (open at your own risk).

Imagine how many hours you could save up from cutting 30 minutes of TV each day. While it may seem insignificant at first but putting in that extra effort will make that big difference over time.
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For the earlier part of his life, Edward has been sitting at the sidelines of life observing his more charismatic peers basking in the spotlight. Ever since his 'great encounter' and the discovery of his 'Anchor', Edward has found strength and a new direction to overcome his fears of interacting with people in a social setting and establishing that with true wisdom and sufficient perseverance "change is possible" . Edward is an event organizer for the meetup group Extremely Shy, the most active meetup group in Vancouver with 10 events happening every week and 2330 active members. He organizes monthly minger events with guest lists of over 80 people and introduces the 2330 members to different exciting activities and local restaurants around Vancouver building community and relationship. 
Got a question on meeting people and or social etiquette, ask Edward at ed.extremelyshy@gmail.com!

Icebreakers for meetups

First time at a mingler event but don't know anybody? Is everyone is chatting away at a party but you're a little anxious in the corner not knowing how to start a conversation with a stranger? Are you constantly finding your conversations at mingler events short and uneventful? Here is a guide on how to speak with effectiveness and confidence.

Distributed out to everyone at the October Mingler for Extremely Shy Meetup Group

Provided by Edward at http://edwardyuen88.blogspot.ca

Don’t know how to start a conversation? Here is a mini guide on how to break the ice.

• Find something in common to talk about-  keynote, food, work, recreation, travel & etc…
•  Do compliment people with sincerity-  Clothing, hat, pin, food platter, etc…
•  Recommend you avoid these topics early in the conversation-  asking for business card or phone number, Politics, age, religion or asking for job

 Appropriate questions to ask (about the meetup group):

• How long have you been with the Extremely Shy Group?
• Have you been to other Meetup events? (Any favourite events?)
• How long have you been in Vancouver? (How are you finding it?)
• Where is your favourite place to visit in Vancouver?
• Do you travel a lot?
• Do you have any siblings? (common question)
• Do you live with your family in Vancouver? 

Happy Socializing!

Edward 
Assistant Organizer- VP and membership 
Extremely Shy Meetup 
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For the earlier part of his life, Edward has been sitting at the sidelines of life observing his more charismatic peers basking in the spotlight. Ever since his 'great encounter' and the discovery of his 'Anchor', Edward has found strength and a new direction to overcome his fears of interacting with people in a social setting and establishing that with true wisdom and sufficient perseverance "change is possible" . Edward is an event organizer for the meetup group Extremely Shy, the most active meetup group in Vancouver (as of sept 2012) with 10 events happening every week and 2100 active members. He organizes monthly minger events with guest lists of over 80 people and introduces the 2100 members to different exciting activities and local restaurants around Vancouver. 
Got a question on meeting people and or social etiquette, ask Edward at ed.extremelyshy@gmail.com!

Ask Ed #1- Shy Table

Hello Ed,
Really appreciate your top 5 ways to meet new ppl, I must have gone up and introduced myself to about 10 people, but NO ONE came up and introduced themselves to me. I ate with 5 other people and there was long periods of silence, no one was brave enough to start a conversation or even tell a story and we were SITTING IN THE DARK...weird...any tips for how to solve that?
-Katie



Hi Katie,

Thanks for the email,

I'm sorry to hear that the dark table's social component was a little different from your exceptions but this is an unusual scenario. I could empathize with you how awkward it must have felt over dinner when nobody talked or put any effort to start or continue a conversation. I could also picture from the seats of the other people at your table who were probably as nervous as you were because it was their first meetup and they don't know anyone; and to make it more challenging, it was pitch black! Kudos for stepping outside of your comfort zone to introduce yourself to 10 people. Keep it up for the next couple times, the fine line that defines a successful socializer from a mediocre one is perseverance, how many time are you willing to overcome bad results and try again.

You have to understand that the environment plays a big role on how people interact with one another. In any conversation especially with someone you recently met, the words you say makes up only 7% of the conversation; the other 93% of the conversation takes place non-verbally through the tone, body language and facial expression. For your dark table experience where it was pitch black, it was difficult for both you and the people at your table to see the other 93% of the conversation. And as humans are interactive beings, we require feedback and reinforcements when communicating especially when we meet people for the very first time; when you or your neighbours do not see the feedback (visual 93% of a conversation) it is hard to keep the conversation going or even start one.

Spending 90 minutes eating in silence sure would be awkward, imagine how much difficult it was for those who are chronically blind? Fortunately there are great people like Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, refused to let the lack of senses hinder her from connect with the world to make a difference. As history has it, her unending passion for making positive change despite her disability has made her one of the greatest people who ever lived in the world.

Hopefully at the next meetup event it will be much better when both you and everyone else can see and communicate at 100% efficiency. Know that not all events are equal, some events have lots of physical activity but littler social interaction. I personally like to organize periodical mingler events that are designed to give lots of opportunities to interact with people such as the thanksgiving mingler or boardgames night, try coming out to one of those events, people have an attitude of 'I want to meet people' there.

For my next article, I will be writing about the 4 levels of interpersonal communication from the Toastmasters Manual "Interpersonal Communication". While we may think this is common sense, but having an understanding of it makes it easier to analyse the situation and easier to fine tune it to make any conversations interesting especially if you are meeting with someone for the very first time.

Hope this email helped,
Cheers,



Edward
Assistant Organizer- VP and membership
Extremely Shy Meetup
Got a question on meeting people and or social etiquette, ask Edward at ed.extremelyshy@gmail.com!

Good Event Etiquettes

Article posted on the meetup page.

Good Event Etiquettes
By Edward Yuen- Oct 16, 2012

Want to be that person who gets the first invitation to the latest and most popular events? Want to be remembered by event planners and get VIP/backstage access or sit at the same dinner table with the keynote speaker? Being an event organizer for over 50 meetup events and attendee of over 30 networking events in the last 10 months, here is my list of 5 event etiquettes to build your credibility to be that person.

1-                 Join the discussion, lend a hand.

Organizers would like to know how you feel about the event that is coming up; feel free to participate in the conversation if the event has a facebook page or twitter channel. Ask questions if you have any or take initiative and answer a fellow attendee's question you may know. If it is your first event, don’t be afraid to introduce yourself, we’re here to meet people after all. For meetup events, if I drive I would offer fellow attendees a ride from the nearest skytrain station. If the event has a twitter channel, send out a few tweets about it! Not only organizers get an email that you tweeted about them, they would highly appreciate that you're helping them promote their event, generating activity on the discussion page and also helping others get to the event.

Having an updated profile has its benefits too. If you want to be invited to events, organizers would like to know your interests and hobbies so if they do send you personal invites they will know they are not sending invites to events you're not interested in. Organizers usually send personal invitations to people they know or they're familiar with, having a blank profile does not help at all.

2-                  Don’t be a no show, change your RSVP!

One of the worst thing a person could do is to hog up a seat through RSVP and not show up leaving an empty chair that could've been filled up by an eager wait listed person. If you still not sure wheter you can attend 48 hours before, it is better to change your RSVP to no and let someone who is 100% sure of attending. It is likely the event will come back again at a later date, but if you cannot wait, organize the next one yourself! My Meetup group, Extremely Shy, usually emails members a day before the event a reminder  so you have an opportunity to update your RSVP if you cannot come. We also encourage members to take the initiative to organize events to encourage building community regardless of how long they've been with the group.

If something happens last minute and you cannot come, let the organizer host know. Don’t be a no show! Not calling ahead in the case of a no show is very rude, not only because it frustrates the organizers who bought the food or tickets already, it also makes other attendees frustrated as they're await for your arrival. No shows are frowned upon in our meetup group with each no show infraction tarnishing your reputation and may prevent you from attending future events or at extreme cases result in expulsion from the group.

3-                  Don’t arrive late,

Coming late to an event has lots of disadvantages, full parking, stress, figuring out where the group has moved on to and the list goes on. Plan ahead with a transportation plan so you can arrive early and remain calm. Some events may have a ‘Do Not Disturb’ policy and may not allow you to enter until intermission while others may not let late people enter in at all because a key card is required to enter the facility.

Coming early has plenty of advantages from mingling opportunities to choosing a good seat at the table (You wouldn't want to sit in front of a loud speaker at a dinning event!), easy parking and buffer time to prepare for possible accidents or to get lost if the meeting location is difficult to find.

If you are going to be late despite all effort done, let the organizers know as soon as you can so they can accommodate your late arrival and send someone to get the door for you.

4-                  Give an evaluation/feedback on event

Was the event great? Was the food too salty? Were the people nice? The organizers would never know if you don’t give them your feedback. Tell them how the event went, what you liked about the event. At Toastmasters we give feedbacks on everything from speeches to the MC's facilitation to the organization of the meeting and room. One of the common structures for feedback is the sandwich technique where you start off by commenting on something that was great, something you enjoyed. Then Talk about what can be improved upon for next time. And end off with another great item you enjoyed. Most events have an evaluation form included, be sure to fill them out and hand them out to the organizers.

If the event has a twitter channel or a discussion page, feel free to share with others your experiences and join the post event discussion with fellow attendees; comment on a few points form the keynote that inspired you or comment on who you met. Event organizers loves it when you share with your friends how much you got out of their event. It is also important and common courtesy to keep all negative comments between yourself and the organizer, send them an email if something didn't go that well and provide some suggestions on how they could improve. If there was an obvious error at the event (food came late), pointing out the obvious is not likely going to add value to the organizers as hundreds of others are doing that already,  instead thank them for the things that worked out and offer some suggestions on the issue and consider offer a helping hand next time.

5-                  Thank your organizers and hosts

For every great event is a great team that worked behind the scenes from the event core team who worked hard planning in the months leading up to the event  to the event volunteer/operations team who worked hard on the day of the event to present you with the quality of meeting you enjoyed. Be sure to thank them on the way out or if you see them around, a kind word or a smile can brighten up a day.

Do likewise for the venue hosts too, whether it is the restaurant server, the belaying person at the rock climbing gym or the attendant at the bike rental store; most of them are just minimum wage worker facing angry customers all day long. Thank them for providing you with service (good or bad) and you may never know how far it can go when you come back next time.

Like many organizations, different organizers have different niches of events they organizer, at my meetup group we have different organizers organizing events based on different genres (eg. Ed organizes networking and community building events, Peter organizes weekly boardgames, Ivy organizes fancy dinners etc...). Asking an organizer to add you to their mailing list will give you first shout outs when the organizers organize their genre of events. Another way to get first invitations is to follow their twitter page or social media pages so you get updates sent to your email.

Follow these five steps and you can be quite popular amongst event planners, they will give you early invitations or special VIP status to their events.

Happy Socializing,

Edward Yuen

Assistant Organizer- VP and membership

Extremely Shy Meetup
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For the earlier part of his life, Edward has been sitting at the sidelines of life observing his more charismatic peers basking in the spotlight. Ever since his 'great encounter' and the discovery of his 'Anchor', Edward has found strength and a new direction to overcome his fears of interacting with people in a social setting and establishing that "change is possible" with true wisdom and sufficient perseverance. Edward is an event organizer for the meetup group Extremely Shy, the most active meetup group in Vancouver (as of sept 2012) with 10 events happening every week and 2100 active members. He organizes monthly minger events with guest lists of over 80 people and introduces the 2100 members to different exciting activities and local restaurants in Vancouver. Aside from meetup, Edward is actively engaged with the community from volunteering to organizing speech competitions and training for Toastmasters clubs in Burnaby. 

How to Make the Most of Each Networking event?

An article written to help members of a meetup group to better socialize at future meetup events.

"How to Make the Most of Each Networking event?"

By Edward Yuen- August 14, 2012

First time to a meetup or networking event?
Don't know anybody?
Tired of being that person who sits at the corner while everyone is socializing away?
Your worries are over, here is a 5 pointer guide on how to make the most of each networking event.
I used to be that person, but through my many social and networking experiences as well as reading books on social interaction, here are 5 major points that have contributed most to how I interact with others.

1-                 Come early!



People arriving 15 minutes early tend to meet more people because they have that peace knowing that they have "All the time in the world". Coming early gives you the benefit of time to survey the environment, time to preview the guest list and know who to talk with and time to relax and prepare your mind for networking. Coming early also allow you to connect with other earlybirds as 'coming early' can be used as a common point to jump start a conversation. Arriving late or on time brings along this negative energy/feeling of lateness and it tends to affect your emotions and confidence limiting your socializing ability.

2-                 Introduce Yourself!

Introducing yourself to random people is part of the fun, you may never know who you may meet! Maybe the person sitting next to you may be your future soul mate or your new best friend! There's a reason why at most events I organize, we start off with a round robin introduction so everyone knows each other.

Some people say that if you don't say anything after the first 10 seconds, it gets awkward. But I tell you SAY SOMETHING even if it has been a long time, the awkward feeling only lasts 10 seconds and they probably wont remember it a minute into a conversation when it feels like any other conversation. (Stay tuned for a "How to do an icebreaker" article)

If it is someone you've met before, don't be afraid to go and say hi! When I go to networking or meetup events, I make an effort to say hi or introduce myself to people met at past events.

3-                 Remember her Name!



Don't you hate it when you met someone, introduced yourselves and got engaged into a lively conversation... but you FORGOT the person's name!!! How embarrassing it is to ask for the name again! Don't get into that awkward situation! Psychology says if you repeat something over and over again enough times, it goes into your long term memory storage. So after introduction, try to remember and incorporate the person's name into the next few phrases. eg. "Nice meeting you Edward" "So Edward, can you tell me where you are from?" "Very Fascinating... Edward." But don't over do it as it may get a little awkward. Consider using names instead of pronouns, people are more attentive and respond positively when they hear their name or the name of someone they know.

4-                 Complement Someone with Sincerity!

I personally believe in adding value to people no matter how small it is, if someone is doing something great like holding the door for you, thank him for it. If you see a gal wearing a beautiful dress, compliment her on it "Nice dress, did you get it at XYZ store?". Not only you are encouraging them but you are also building that social connection with them. There used to be a time where people complemented honestly to each other about who they are and what they are doing, let's bring back that positive energy and attitude back. So next time you are at the restaurant and the waitress brings food over to you, thank her, or maybe complement a fellow attendee that unique new hat he is wearing. But do be honest about it because when you flatter instead of being honest... it really shows.

5-                 Smile! 

Humans and animals respond more positively to smiles. Research shows that when a person is smiling, the brain of the other person tend to mimic the smile and that smile in turn generate brain stimulant that is equivalent as receiving enjoying 2000 bars of chocolate! So if you want your new friend receive the good feeling of lots of chocolate (without the calories) from meeting you, smile!

There you have it, 5 easy pointers on how to improve your people skills. Work on those every time you go to a meetup event and you will be popular in no time! See you at the next event!

I leave you with an inspiring quote by Anatole France: "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream, but also believe."

Happy socializing,



Edward Yuen
Assistant Organizer- PR and membership | Extremely Shy Meetup
http://edwardyuen88.wix.com/index

For a large part of his life, Edward has been sitting at the sidelines observing his more charismatic peers basking in the spotlight. Ever since his 'Great Encounter' and the discovery of his 'Anchor', Edward has found strength and a new direction to overcome his fears of interacting with people in a social setting and establishing that "change is possible" through true wisdom and perseverance.